Moving? Or Running in place?

Man, it's been a while since I've blogged. There's just been so much going on that I haven't had the chance. But these past few weeks I've been feeling so burdened and drained. Writing is my only release. I have so much to say, I just don't know where to begin.. but for now; this is exactly how i'm feeling: "I'm running out of time. I'm running out of space. I feel like I'm running around, but I'm running in place."

Random Thoughts

So, I learn from my mistakes. It's a very painful way to learn, but without pain, the old saying is, there's no gain. I found that to be true in my life. You miss a lot of opportunities by making mistakes, but that's part of it: knowing that you're not shut out forever, and that there's a goal you still can reach. I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Be blessed everyone. May you remember the true meaning of christmas and hold on to the promises of God.

Take my heart...

But please don't break it.

Keep it movin'

I stare at your picture for the last time

to ease my mind, this time I even break down and cry.

I had good reason for leaving you, I was never enough for you.

You had me doubting myself, putting me down.

But, baby i'm gonna keep smiling.

I'm gonna keep it moving'

Cause I don't need you.

I stayed with you so long

that I lost myself.

Now who would have thought that someone so independent

would become so damn submissive.

And sometimes in the back of my mind

i'd be missing you.

but, I will get through this

because I deserve someone better than you.

This heartbreak ends today

and I don't wanna give up on love.

I'll be moving on,

knowing I gave it my all.

I'm gonna keep it moving

Baby, I don't need you anymore.

Beautiful Mess indeed.

I thank God for what He's doing in me right now. I'm beyond pissed off!! I hate when you try and help people and give them words of advice and then they turn on you and stab you in the back. Yes, i'm a Christian.. i'm not stating i'm perfect. Yes, I used to drink and smoke my life away, but i've found love in Jesus and He saved me. Yes, I use to let him beat me everyday, but that's NOT me anymore. Man..I hate when you try and do good and people are so damn naive and continue looking at who you used to be rather than who stands before them NOW. ugh!

I love

Jesus. He's beautiful, understanding, loving, forgiving, strong, compassionate, He's everything. He is enough for me.

My heart, Your home.

Search me through and through until my heart becomes a home for You. Let everything I do open up a door for you to come through, and then my heart will be a place where you'll wanna be. Come and be everything I am and all I know.

Somethin' about the way...

-Old-

I'm not the one that really likes to fall in love and i'm not impressed with all these imitating

thugs, but he walked in the room and all emotions seemed to stop, suddenly he had my heart on lock. He brushes by my shoulder, my heart is getting bolder. I told him what my name was, he said he needed a soldier, so I strapped my camouflage boots tight. Just say the word baby boy and I'm ready to ride. He makes me wanna be a better me. You are my song and i'm your melody. The thing is, i'm not even afraid to get hurt, cause knowin' you all this time makes it worth wild, reminisce, I picture having your first child, my kisses are yours now, i'll always be here to hold you down.

(Chorus)

Somethin' about the way you looked at me, to think for a moment that maybe we were meant to be. (X4)

It was magic in the moment, you had it, i'm on it. My heaven, angel, my homie, my love, my life, and my soul mate. I had destiny written by your side and you can't wait to picture calling me your wife. The minute I took a gaze in those brown eyes, made them profound, I am bound by your love, the way you wear your kind smile. Babe, I wanna sit under your shade until the sun is engaged, this conversation can go on for days. Baby will you please, say you'll be with me. maybe destiny played a hand we can deal with. I can't imagine us being split. I'm the queen you're the king. You're the gift to my ink pen. I'm saying my hearts on your sleeve. I carry yours carefully, beautifully, like a beautiful pink rose. Sealed deal, i'm in love forever for real..

(Chorus)

Somethin' about the way you looked at me, to think for a moment that maybe we were meant to be. (X4)

We're on the phone for four hours and a half. I'm mesmerized and i'm all out of breath. I can't believe i'm lucky enough to share you, finish my sentences, you can't mention him without me turning all shades of pink. And when I stop to think about that day our eyes met, they danced the minute that they caught in contact. I love this feeling, you made me forget about my past, baby my heart's in your hands. I can't begin to speak highly enough of him. I'm the perfect shade compliments to his skin. I shout it loud from a mountain he's my best friend, my angel that God sent. He makes me wanna fly high, but keeps me grounded. My heart is pounding and these butterflies won't let me sleep. Somethin' bout the way that he speaks...

(Chorus)

Somethin' about the way you looked at me, to think for a moment that maybe we were meant to be. (X4)

Facing my Giants..

Lately, "facing my giants" have been one of the hardest things for me to do. By "giant," I mean things that are stopping me from getting closer to God. As of right now, I have two giants. My mom and "love", if that means anything anymore. Dealing with my mom is the hardest one. Going through a foreclosure of our house and her broken marriage is braking me. I hate seeing her cry every night to sleep. I hate her husband for damaging her soul. In return her frustration comes out on me. Lately, I've been choosing not to deal with it. Late nights walking aimlessly have been my favorite thing to do. Her words come out without thought and fill my ears with pain. She says she forgives me from my past, but when she's mad, those are the first things she reminds me of. She dislikes the fact of me going to church, but someone has to pray for these people in my house. Maybe she's going through a rough time and it will all be better soon, who knows. The only thing that sets me free is God. Reading His word and talking to him to ease the pain, that's the best. The feeling of unconditional love fills my heart and for a day or so nothing can bring me down. Then there's this thing called "love". I thought I believed in it, I could have sworn it was true. But in the end, his love was fake. That kind of love hold me back. It shelters me from opening my heart to anyone else, even friends. I'm afraid to let people love and to fall for any other man. These's are my battles, my hardships, my giants. All I can do is put it in Gods hands and wait for things to get better on His will, not my own.

Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.
* Marianne Williamson

My life

(A song, not a poem. Still needs to be revised)

Hebrews chapter 13

verse 8 says Jesus christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Born and raised in the chi, humboldt park was all I knew.

though, i've changed. I still face the struggle.. all these people gettin killed

the drug dealers getting bills

all these people on the corner cause they be poppin' pills

but this life never appealed to be

even though my nature, a hoe is what they said i'd be.

but in reality

I grew up in the church,

in search of gods purpose for me.

I remember being 6 yrs old in the church, that was back in 97'

people prasin' god til their bodies hit the floor.

I than accepted Christ and shook of my debris

but was spoken to when i turned 180degrees

I left god in my past

went left on Jesus's path

'til he showed me what I passed

Cause...

yesterday, today, and always hes the same so forver

he will reign in my life

he gave me a second chance tho i didnt understand he already had a plann in my life.

yesterday, today, and always hes the same so forver

he will reign in my life

he gave me a second chance tho i didnt understand he already had a plan in my life.

High school came along and my attiude was bitter,

church wasn't a thing that i would even consider.

you see, I was always smart

I tried to remain prudent but I still felt out of place, like a forgein exchange student

many nights I stood up and God knows I shed some tears

so he sent me an angel that would hug me, persevere.

she pointed me toward the light

and told me to follow it

and the wall was full of pride, i was forced to swallow it

I remember that night, November 7th, 2008

rededicated my life.

Heard the knock on my heart, and I opened the door.

Knew the Lord was waiting for me so I welcomed Him in

the shackles and chains have been ripped off my skin

seperated my flesh from my spirit, I was free.

Jesus was my pain reliever, he works better than aleve.

He was beaten and battered, crucified for you and me

He showed me mercy and grace and thats why I believe

that...

yesterday, today, and always hes the same so forever

He will reign in my life.

He gave me a second chance though I didnt understand He already had a plan for my life.

yesterday, today, and always hes the same so forever

He will reign in my life.

He gave me a second chance though I didnt understand He already had a plan for my life.

Now im walken in the front and

theres war against the enemy

I know that God is there for me even when

my faith is the smallest

I cried out to god, let Him please continue testing me

he opened up my eyes

told me seperate the truth from all of the worlds lies

I used to feed off this world now im returning the favor

My life has been turned around I owe it all to my savior

I was down in the dumps

ive been lifted and been gifted

I thank god for everything that Hes done

and I thank him in advance for everything thats to come

I thank him for my mom who planted the seed in me

and I thank him for Emily who walked with me faithfuly

she has helped me excell. Through the church ive grown a ton

I was the seed who was planted,watered, and recieved the son.

and now im starting to sprout

so to the lord I shout..

yesterday, today, and always hes the same so forever

He will reign in my life.

He gave me a second chance though I didnt understand He already had a plan for my life.

If you believe god has a plan for your life, repeat after me

yesterday, today, and always your the same so i want you to reign in my life.

please give me a second chance though i may not understand, God i know you have a plann

for my life.

yesterday, today, and always your the same so i want you to reign in my life

please give me a second chance tho i may not understand God i know you have a plann

for my life.

Let go

As children bring their broken toys,
with tears for parents to mend.
I brought my broken dreams to God
because He is my friend.


But then instead of leaving Him,
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.


Finally, I snatched them back and cried,
"God, how can you be so slow?"


"My child" He said, "What could I do?
how could I mend your dreams,
you never did let go."

Lord, i'm done.

I run and I run, no smiles or no fun. This fight has gotten hard, Jesus, Lord i'm done. Let me not live for me, but open my eyes to see. I've been lost, walking in the shadows of shame, sitting depressed as it's pouring rain. No more letting You down, i'm now turning in my crown. No more pride, I must be humble before I let the world around me continue to crumble. I let my self stumble when I didn't pray. I let myself fall when I didn't open your word. There's nothing left to be said, but i'm done. Let me die to the world. I call to you, fill me again with a fresh spirit. I make this my prayer because no longer can this pain I bear. I lift my hands and here I am. It's no longer my plans. I only walk where you tell me to go and just let the Holy Spirit flow. I'm giving up what made me who I am, but I must remember it was You who placed the objects around me to mold me into what is now a woman. You made me and You created me, therefore You will never forsake me. Devil yet again you tried to make me fall, but I stand up strong, as my God dusts me off. He is with me so nothing can be against me. You were already defeated. You and your demons are heavily depleated. Not enough force to even think of waging war because my Lord and Savior will always knock you under the floor. Because with Jesus by my side, i'm just way too strong. He's my strong tower, my God of all power.

Can you feel it?

Feel the beating in my chest
Lay it to rest
Lay it all on the line
It’s our time to shine.
Get these images out of my mind
Slice the wrist, blood begins to squirt.
Cover up with the long sleeve shirt.
I know it hurts to keep these things hidden inside.
I’ve been there and will stand by your side
But, I'm not the only one
He knows you’ll run
Stop and listen to His words
You know you’re a part of His herd.
A father that loves you more than life
I say it again, put down the knife.

Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it deep inside?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
The power of He who died.

I wrote this so that you would understand.
Understand that He has a master plan.
He’s seen your pain.
Hear His voice in your brain.
He’s calling you now
He wants to know why you’re broken, how?
Listen to my words, I don’t spit lies.
Cause no matter how hard I try,
I can’t lie about He who came.
Came and took all the blame.
For all the mistakes
That were made by our race.
One Lord above,
Know that He has love.
For every one of us.
Even if you tease and make fun of us.
So let me as you…

Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it deep inside?
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?
The power of He who died.

I walk down memory lane because I love running into you..

Beautiful

I was so unique

Now I feel skin deep

I count on the make-up to cover it all

Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention

I thought I could be strong

But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?

I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful

Make you stand in awe

Look inside my heart, and be amazed

I want to hear you say

Who I am is quite enough

Just want to be worthy of love

And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me

Fighting to make the mirror happy

Trying to find whatever is missing

Help me back to glory

You make me beautiful

You make me stand in awe

You step inside my heart,

and I am amazed I love to hear You say

Who I am is quite enough

You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Rest In Peace

Joseph Perez
10/09/09 - 11/01/07

When the clouds part and a ray of sun shines through
We look to the sky; and think of you.
You see our tears and feel our ache
We breathe you in with each breath we take

There is no need to miss, what is not gone
For you are right here, where you belong
You are the suns warmth on our face
Guiding us through this dark place

You are the whisper of the wind through the night.
That gentle sparkle in a stars light
You are the colors of the rainbow after a summers rain
Dazzling, vivid colors, nothing could ever tame

You are the elegance found after a first snow
That small, beautiful, blinding glow
You made your own path from the start
And we continue to carry your footprints on our heart

When we stop to think of all we miss
Look around and think of this

Something so special & rare could never fade
& That is how we know you stayed
Because when the clouds part and that ray of sun shines through
We will smile, knowing that glimmer is you.

Worst week ever!

Just about over it all..

I'm not saying that i'm requesting someone perfect.
I just need someone that will make it all worth it..

To write love on her arms

She has known such great pain;

Haunted dreams as a child.

The near constant presence

of Evil ever since. She has felt the touch

of awful naked men, battled depression and

addiction, and attempted suicide.

Her stomach remembers razor blades,

fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds.

Six hours after I met her, she is feeling trapped.

Two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas.

Everyone is asleep, the sun is rising,

She drinks long from a bottle of liquor.

Takes a razor blade from the table, and

locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself.

Using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large,

across her forearm.

Silent Heart

Many out there are unheard voices.

Shattered by their past choices.

Lashing out to those they push away.

Their just so scared on letting

their heart speak on what it has to say.

They pray, yet stay in dismay.

Because life just doesn't seem to go their way.

Days pass by and still nothing's right.

Being happy feels like a harsh fight.

Truth is, somethings just haven't been let go.

Been hurt too many times and left with their heart broken.

But, there's a God who mends a broken heart.

Takes the pieces and makes a lovely piece of art.

You're the apple of His eye,

and He'll dry up every tear you cry.

Lift your life to God and give Him your heart.

Because He have His life for you.

For He is the love that is real.